Integrated Wisdom

Doggie Fact Checking

Is, I mean, was Bobi the oldest dog ever?

Since the Republican Party has been stolen by the Blundering Bandit, and since no longer do we have what used to be called facts, the world has dropped ever lower into confusion and chaos. Since lies are broadcast daily, since ideas are stolen and morals relinquished, the culture is made to suffer continually. These are actual facts, meaning they can be verified at once by testing hypotheses in twenty different points all over the globe, all at the same time. With careful examination you will get the same results every time in every location. Therefore, a fact.

Now, the point we are making is one that a great many readers will agree with, while other more ignorant ones will not. They will make up a scenario where the opposite is true. We can argue, perhaps, but they will say we can never prove it, i.e. not a fact. Simple.

A Portuguese Mastiff has been called the oldest dog to ever have lived. They say he is over 31 years old.  (31 years 163 days to be exact) Or rather was…

Last October Bobi passed into the great kennel in the sky. Ordinarily, no one outside his owner would give a damn, but these are not normal times. Since he was so old the Guinness Book of World Records had to be called in to investigate. 

Important as that organization my be, it is not as though the world’ wars had stopped or the Republican leaders actually spoke the truth. Yet these hardy souls were going to make darn sure that the Russians did not tamper with little Bobi’s birth certificate…not on their watch.

Shortly after the poor little fellow gave it up, the questioning began. One Right wing vet shouted loudly “none of my veterinarian friends believes the dog is 31, not a single one”. 

Then, as if that weren’t enough, he spoke to the Guardian News and threatened the Holier than Thou Guinness Book of World Records, saying “if they (Guinness) want to certify that, we need irrefutable evidence, or else”. Harsh.

The reputation of the maker of some of the world’s best dry stout was squarely on the line. Someone needed to find the truth.  

That was more than the Left wingers could tolerate. Their man for the job had to be none other than Matt Reynolds. This mysterious Reynolds might be the Clark Kent of Animal Record Recovery. Mild mannered journalist by day, masked and mysterious by night. Since all the stray cats had been rounded up, Reynolds took the job. Bravery of the first order.

He started at the source, the very place where records of great historical import are stored. One such record, which as yet is unchallenged, is the record for the fastest time to eat a banana without using hands (17.82 seconds). All he got from Guinness was a simply quote: “we are aware of the questions and are doing the research”. (Still as of this writing the research is proceeding…slowly at best)

After delving deeply into international rabbit holes, Reynolds found the following. In 2012 a dog named Bobi was registered by SIAC, the Portuguese database for dogs cats and other creatures. 

Official Logo

Yes. The dog formerly know as Bobi was indeed registered on said day. With the owner contending that his dog was born in 1992. Therefore as any school child knows, the animal in question was truly 31 years of age.

Well, that’s good enough for the Republicans — after all, wasn’t January 6th just an outing where a few of the tourists got out of hand? Weren’t the last 137 elections stolen. Dogs are central to the American way of life and if a good conservative American says his Bobi is 31, who has the tenacity to disagree?

This didn’t sit well with the Lefties, no way. They now say the oldest dog known to modern science is Donald and he is 22.

The filibuster has been going on for 106 hours, some of the older fellows are dropping like flies, (let’s not discuss fly age, that goes into nine figures). but if our duly elected officials still cannot solve this quandary, what kind of government do we have???? 

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