As slow as trust is to build, it can dissolve quickly, sometimes from a single indiscretion. If that event is extreme, such as infidelity, trust can be very difficult to re-establish, and that will undermine other aspects of a marriage. One of the main casualties is communication. Because we can’t be sure of our partners’ motives or have an idea of what they’re thinking, we can’t be comfortable revealing our true feelings. We might avoid discussing problems because they can become so emotionally charged that we can only react with anger and hostility. We might also feel we have to be very careful in choosing their words, because we can’t be sure how their partner might react to what we say. Under such conditions, it’s not surprising that couples with trust issues argue much more frequently, and their disagreements have a more negative tone and rarely lead to resolutions.
Partners who don’t trust each other will have a relationship that cycles through frequent emotional highs and lows. That happens because a mistrusting partner spends much of their time scrutinizing their relationship and trying to understand their partner’s motives. When their partner’s words or actions seem trustworthy or positive, the questioning partner feels happy and has hope for the relationship. But when some untrustworthy or negative event happens, it serves as evidence that the relationship has problems. We’re also prone to exaggerate their negative behavior and discount their positive behavior. So because the positives have much less weight than the negatives, we’re likely to constantly question the goodness of the relationship.
While a breakdown in trust is sometimes a result of actual indiscretions by one or both spouses, that’s not always the case. Some people, for various reasons, have trouble trusting anyone, and may not trust their partner regardless of whether or not that person is trustworthy. Those with trust issues often have a few associated patterns of thinking and acting that make all types of relationships difficult for them. They tend to be critical of others, interpret situations in a cynical or negative light, and are less willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. Interestingly, low trust people are themselves more prone to lie and cheat than are trusting people. It’s possible they justify such behavior because they believe others are doing the same thing to them.
