When couples face the same problems over and over again, it may be due to irrational beliefs held by one or both partners. Needs, wants and expectations based on irrational beliefs can’t be satisfied, and so they produce a lot of negative emotions. That’s because we keep waiting to get what we want and it doesn’t happen. Arguments that stem from irrational beliefs rarely find their way to solutions.
While we’ll never get rid of all of our irrational beliefs, we can at least identify the ones that are particularly detrimental to our relationship. Once they’re identified, we can fight against their damaging effects by replacing them with more rational beliefs. A husband can realize that the trash really does have to get out, and doing so at the request of his wife is not manipulative. A wife can acknowledge that if he doesn’t do it immediately it is not indicative of how he feels about her or their marriage.
Self-reflection and self-monitoring are the key tools for changing irrational beliefs. Only through exploring your own thoughts and asking yourself questions can you gain the insight you need to identify and change irrational beliefs. Think about the problems you’ve faced with your partner and how you have reacted to those situations. Think about the emotions you experienced and try to discover the underlying beliefs that triggered those feelings.